How do I help my sister?

[yokoshiogatame]

Hello,

My sister suffers dearly because it is almost impossible for her to have children, yet she feels having children is THE most important thing for her and she has bouts of deppression because of this.  I really want to help but I have no idea what to do.

Yours in the Dharma.

Billy.

[Stupid Yogi]

emmmm...

may be mother tara can help ......

[Ninje]

Hi Billy

I feel very sorry for your sister and share your sadness for enduring it. You are indeed a very good person.

I must say that I'm definitely not qualified to give any advice but I would like to share a little 'knowledge' I get from the experience of my own aunt who was once facing this same 'problem'.

Like you've said, for your sister, having children is THE most important thing for her now. So, it is very unlikely that you can persuade her otherwise. She is now at the most lowest of the low points in her life (in her own mind, she felt useless), she would not be able to see any logic even if you presented to her the most perfect explanation or Dharma teachings.

On your part, it is very important that you should decide how you choose to help her i.e.

(1) To try your best at getting Devine's help so that she will have children, or,

(2) To try your best to get Devine's help also, but is to open her heart/mind to accept her conditions (of not able to have children) as her karma.

If you chose the (1), then you may try to 'ask' for help from Mother Tara or in Chinese tradition, the Guan Yin (Chenresig). Then doubled it with modern technology of test tube baby procedure or such. It may works.

However, I must say that you ought to think very deeply...WHY is your sister wanted so much to have children? There is always a reason behind it. From my aunt's experience, it was because she wanted to prevent her husband from leaving her to other woman. My aunt sensed that her husband is having affairs but she THOUGHT that by having a child, he will not leave her. How wrong was her decision!

For, even after she had a child, her unfaithfully husband still go after other women (more than 1 naived girls, he even converted to Islam and had a 2nd wife that is only 18 years old!).

The end result is not too 'perfect' because now my aunt have to raise her child alone. It added more to her suffering actually instead of solving her 1st sufferring. She has to work although she is now in her 60s because the child has to study. The only consolation is that her child turned up to be quite a good kid though not without her shares of giving heaches to her mother (my aunt). Imaging if the child grown up a troubled teen or even turned to vice due to her pressures from broken family?

So, it is wise that you search for the real REASON why it is so important for you sister (in her opinion) to have a child.

If you chose the (2), then you have to continue to give her moral supports while praying very hard to Buddhas and Protectors so that you sister would finally SEE the truth and accept her karma. It is not easy of course. Either way, you would still need to be by her side and comfort her. Be there for her. That is the most important role you can play.

That's all I can humbly share with you. Hope this would help.

I'll pray for you and your sister too.

Ninje

[Yeshe Drolma]

Hi Billy,

There are many people in this world who desparately want children but are not able to have them and there are also others who give theirs away, or worse abandons them. I know this much.. having children is not only dependent on physical conditions, there is also the question of karma. Without having created karma in the past, which is a thought or an intention, one will find it very hard to conceive. Hence, physical factors are just a condition and it is not enough to fix the body. One has to have the right karma to have a child.

I know the best person who can advice on what to do is our Guru but meanwhile, I agree with Ninje's suggestion. I have also heard that it is good to keep a Dzambala Statue in the house and many also subscribe to the Green Tara practice.

Just sharing...

Take care Billy!

[yokoshiogatame]

Wow, thank you all so much, some very wise words.

[yokoshiogatame]

Hi Billy

I feel very sorry for your sister and share your sadness for enduring it. You are indeed a very good person.

I must say that I'm definitely not qualified to give any advice but I would like to share a little 'knowledge' I get from the experience of my own aunt who was once facing this same 'problem'.

Like you've said, for your sister, having children is THE most important thing for her now. So, it is very unlikely that you can persuade her otherwise. She is now at the most lowest of the low points in her life (in her own mind, she felt useless), she would not be able to see any logic even if you presented to her the most perfect explanation or Dharma teachings.

On your part, it is very important that you should decide how you choose to help her i.e.

(1) To try your best at getting Devine's help so that she will have children, or,

(2) To try your best to get Devine's help also, but is to open her heart/mind to accept her conditions (of not able to have children) as her karma.

If you chose the (1), then you may try to 'ask' for help from Mother Tara or in Chinese tradition, the Guan Yin (Chenresig). Then doubled it with modern technology of test tube baby procedure or such. It may works.

However, I must say that you ought to think very deeply...WHY is your sister wanted so much to have children? There is always a reason behind it. From my aunt's experience, it was because she wanted to prevent her husband from leaving her to other woman. My aunt sensed that her husband is having affairs but she THOUGHT that by having a child, he will not leave her. How wrong was her decision!

For, even after she had a child, her unfaithfully husband still go after other women (more than 1 naived girls, he even converted to Islam and had a 2nd wife that is only 18 years old!).

The end result is not too 'perfect' because now my aunt have to raise her child alone. It added more to her suffering actually instead of solving her 1st sufferring. She has to work although she is now in her 60s because the child has to study. The only consolation is that her child turned up to be quite a good kid though not without her shares of giving heaches to her mother (my aunt). Imaging if the child grown up a troubled teen or even turned to vice due to her pressures from broken family?

So, it is wise that you search for the real REASON why it is so important for you sister (in her opinion) to have a child.

If you chose the (2), then you have to continue to give her moral supports while praying very hard to Buddhas and Protectors so that you sister would finally SEE the truth and accept her karma. It is not easy of course. Either way, you would still need to be by her side and comfort her. Be there for her. That is the most important role you can play.

That's all I can humbly share with you. Hope this would help.

I'll pray for you and your sister too.

Ninje

I believe that my sister having a child will only bring her more suffering (mental and physical), as direspectful as it sounds I think my sister wants a child because she believes it will make her happy, she is a fantastic Aunty to my children and has a great husband, so I will choose option 2. 

I appealed to the green tara to help my sister rescently, and as a result my the test that my sister had for a problem came back all clear. 

Green Tara I am forever in your debt.

Thank you Ninje.

Billy.

Om Mani Padme Hum

[FireFly]

Dear Billy,

A little attachment is a little craziness. Alot of Attachment is Alot of Craziness. If you really want to help your sister, you should try to get her to be not so attached to her attachment of MUST HAVE KIDS.

From attachment comes sorrow and suffering. Instead of her wallowing in her suffering of not being able to have kids, if she could love the world and its habitants, wouldn't that be better?

Lastly, you may not be able to help her. The only person capable of that is herself. You can only guide her views towards the "righter" side.

May your sister recovers soon. The world is in fever.

Sincerely,

Peng.

[sampa]

Right,not having kid is not the problem.The problem arises because of a desire to have kid.All desires good or bad create problems,even the so call lofty desire to have not a single desire.

[yokoshiogatame]

Dear Billy,

A little attachment is a little craziness. Alot of Attachment is Alot of Craziness. If you really want to help your sister, you should try to get her to be not so attached to her attachment of MUST HAVE KIDS.

From attachment comes sorrow and suffering. Instead of her wallowing in her suffering of not being able to have kids, if she could love the world and its habitants, wouldn't that be better?

Lastly, you may not be able to help her. The only person capable of that is herself. You can only guide her views towards the "righter" side.

May your sister recovers soon. The world is in fever.

Sincerely,

Peng.

I have tried to explain about the attachment aspect of the wanting children, but unfortunately I don't have the capacity or knowledge to help her understand, she is currently reading a buddhism book that I found very helpful and may explain attachment better than I can.

Sampa, Firefly Thank you.

Billy.

[Crazywisdom]

I have come to realise that happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have. That is to say, be content with what you have, even if it isn't much.
I doubt if i would be able to explain this to someone in your sisters position in a way that she would take on board
By a coincidence, a customer i was talking to today was telling me that he and his wife put all thier energies into helping out with thier local boy scouts troup. This allows them to put something back into society and have a beneficial effect on the next generation.

Jon

[FireFly]

Yo Yokoshiogatame 

Sometimes, I feel that to benefit someone, especially on "Buddhism" or life, it is best not to begin on "Theories". What we can do is either Highlite to them the Absurdity of their attachments. maybe starting on small things.. like how the Fork MUST be made of metal, how Butter MUST be applied before the jam.. all this small attachment is similar to the bigger more serious ones.

Remember the story of Kisagutami (The woman who lost her husband and 2 kids). http://www.geocities.com/zennun12_8/kisagotami.html

The Buddha did not help her by teaching her "theories".

Instead he sent her to gather some simple mustard seeds. The ordeal allows hers to come upon the realization herself.

Force feeding of the Dharma cannot satisfactorily help the "victom". Skillful means are important.

If all else fails, Bring her to Rinppoche's talk. That would work most probably.

Sincerely, The Useless Peng

[yokoshiogatame]

Yo Yokoshiogatame 

Sometimes, I feel that to benefit someone, especially on "Buddhism" or life, it is best not to begin on "Theories". What we can do is either Highlite to them the Absurdity of their attachments. maybe starting on small things.. like how the Fork MUST be made of metal, how Butter MUST be applied before the jam.. all this small attachment is similar to the bigger more serious ones.

Remember the story of Kisagutami (The woman who lost her husband and 2 kids). http://www.geocities.com/zennun12_8/kisagotami.html

The Buddha did not help her by teaching her "theories".

Instead he sent her to gather some simple mustard seeds. The ordeal allows hers to come upon the realization herself.

Force feeding of the Dharma cannot satisfactorily help the "victom". Skillful means are important.

If all else fails, Bring her to Rinppoche's talk. That would work most probably.

Sincerely, The Useless Peng

Yo Dear Firefly,

Thank you for your wise words, my sister is now going to come to a local dharma talk to try and understand more.

Thanks

[FireFly]

Dear Yokoshiogatame,

You are most welcome! I am glad that my arrogant typing results in some benefit?

Ha.. you have a great dinner ok?? hope you and your sister and all the people in the whole universe have a great journey! (gibberish ramblings.. ha..)

Peng the Strange Arrogant Pr**k?? :p

[yokoshiogatame]

Dear Yokoshiogatame,

You are most welcome! I am glad that my arrogant typing results in some benefit?

Ha.. you have a great dinner ok?? hope you and your sister and all the people in the whole universe have a great journey! (gibberish ramblings.. ha..)

Peng the Strange Arrogant Pr**k?? :p

lol

Thank you